What do I want?

To be completely fair I am nothing spectacular, but I certainly not plain. I work very hard to have an identity, but it has been drawn to my attention as of late that I don't know what it is. After great consideration and a lot of inward bashing of the commenter, I realized that I honestly don't understand any of that. I was under the misconception that you doing things that you enjoyed because they are something the you love and take pride in is who you are. I thought that, whoever you are is who you are that people can't decide that you are anything different. If you are confused by that welcome to club, I will not lie and say that I am not very angry about the accusation that I don't know who I am, because I do. I know exactly who I am and what I am. I am a teenage girl from Tennessee that is still pinned a yankee even though I have never lived in the north, but carry on the mentality that I am a full blooded yankee since I don't sport a southern drawl, but instead a random germanic mid-northwesterner accent that comes from my Wisconsin/ South Dakotan born family. I love my accent. I love a lot of thing, but I sport a resting bitch face on the regular. I love working with my hands and creating. I like knitting, crocheting, needlework, and sewing. I love to watch Netflix it gives me a way to calm down and let all my daily problem melt back into my subconscious until triggered again. I like the taste of food,but I hate eating, I don't like eating in front of people because they will think I like to eat a lot and that is why I am fat, but I hate eating and instead drink 2 Slim Fast Shakes a day and water. I like knowing skills to teach people. I love when people notice my hair or makeup and compliment it, that's why I do it. I always want to show them how to do it, but they are never interested. I know so much I could show or teach people if they just asked, and I would love to show them. I love my friends and morn the weekends that I am not having fun with them, which is almost all of them... The thing is, that I want to be approachable. I realize I am not the nicest of people, but I so want too be. No one really gets that but my close friends, and I get hurt when they don't appreciate it. I suppose that makes me needy or narcissistic, but I guess that's just who I am. I wish I was someone who people called a "sweetheart" or "the nicest person they have ever met", but I'm not. Instead I am a hard-shelled narcissist who spends more time on my hair than with human interaction with strangers during the day, but what is the point of being friendly if you mean nothing to anyone anyway? That's the truth. I am meaningless. I know people see me. I am someone to be noticed. I always have my hair and makeup done up in a different way and it would be hard not to notice me I am one of those people who roam the hallways during class. It's not because I am one of those delinquent kids who just don't go back to class. I used to be in yearbook, and because of that I was constantly out of class getting stuff for that so you eventually begin to recognize the same people that are always out. However, no one wants to be around me or talk to me which I can understand why they wouldn't. I have been told I am intimidated, but you know they say, "It's the feared the are remembered." Actually only I say that,but it's totally true, right? All I want is more relationships with those around me. I want friends to have fun with and to love and buy Christmas gifts. I want friends who will want to continue our friendships for longer than a few months. I know it's my fault but not how to fix it. In short I want to be better with people. I know who I am and what I want in life. I am a Type A personality, I like order and plans. When I am stressed or upset, though everything around me gets messy, my desktop, my makeup counter, my room, and my backpack all become a mess, and I hate it but I can't seem to find the will to fix it. I am extremely anxious and hate it. I cycle through with the fact that I am going to fail in life, and so I should just kill myself now. I a not extremely smart, i am not specifically good at anything. I know how to do a lot,but I am not spectacular at anything. I want to find my talent. I want to love people. I want to love everyone I see. I want to be so loving that people don't trust me. I want to care so deeply for people that they don't ever want to leave, even though they will. I know what I want in life, but not how to get it. That is what this journey is about. It's about fixing the broken. It's about shaping the clay of my life. I need this. I need to learn who I am before I am out on my own in the world. I need to know before I become more bitter than I was, than I am. I don't know what I will become, but I swear to you, this isn't it. I will accomplish so much in this world, and this is only the beginning of it all, and this is the documentation of it all. This is the Road to Myself.