On the Edge of Seventeen

I always imagined that when I turned seventeen, it would be boring. After all it's in between two big years… I have come to find out though it could't be more mind wracking. All I can think of is that in a year I will be and adult. that in a year and a half I will be leaving all this behind. It has gotten to the point that I am counting the days. I don't want to be here anymore. My mom has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be around me anymore and rarely comes home. I can't sleep unless I am drowning it all out with Bob Dylan. I keep crying. Since my birthday, I have cried every day. I am not someone who cries a lot, but it seems like that is all I do anymore. I hate it. Being seventeen is a nightmare that I fear I will never wake up from. I legitimately fear that I won't make it to eighteen. I have never been much of a fan of self-multilation, but all I ever think about when me mom gets home from work or the gym is grabbing a kitchen knife and slicing downward on my wrists. I hate being depressing or rather depressed. The word sound so evil, yet just so thrown about. I wonder if anyone notices it about me. I feel like it lingers around me in a heavy fog that just refuses to lift. I secretly pray someone will notice because telling people will just make it look like I am just looking for attention. It's like a huge wait strapped around my sternum and two more on my shoulders. I can't lift and I can't get away. I just want to be away from all this. I fear that I won't but know that I am too cowardly to not. I will make it because I know I would feel too bad for the people in my life. I that I can't just give up because if I do then I will have a crappy life, with I already do. So I feel as though I have to get a good plan together so I have something to look forward to. Otherwise their is nothing I can do. All I can think to do is try to get myself excited for something in the future. I need help, but no one seems to care. I am doing a crappy job myself which makes me feel worse. I am losing grip and have no idea what more I can do. I have to figure out what to do before go falling into the abyss of the Great Beyond.

Eyeliner, Boredom, and Lack of Luster

I had a wonderful break. I got just what I wanted for Christmas, caught up with some friends, and finally got to sleep. This morning however came much to soon. I was not at already to face my old life. I was a bit disappointed in my new life. It wasn't the same feeling I had gotten. My mom was in a poor mood which is sure to ruin the entire day in a single moment. My eye liner was just not going right, which is enough of a frustration to write three paragraphs in and out of itself. I was very nearly late, but mostly I was terrified about my schedule change. It's funny, how in the abstract, this was all going to be so easy. I was so ready to quite Yearbook, I still am, but this morning hit me hard. I have the blockage in my throat like I want to cry, but it's only anxiety. I feel out of place. It's not what I am used to at all, and I don't like it, but is that not what life is all about? Getting out of your element? I agree that a change of plans every now and again would do me wonders. I could use a sense of adventure. All I ever do is what is on the plan, well except for when I am with Allie and Zach. They uproot me from the traditional set plans and instead turn it into an putting of mystery and adventure. You can go out to just go and grab a quick lunch and end up being out till midnight going and doing the most random of things. It is a bit nerve-racking at first but it is a ton of fun. Although it seems as though when they leave my happiness fades away with them. I kind of just have to go lay down after that and go to sleep because all of the depressants hit me full circle. I begin questioning to much. Things that I normally wouldn't care about and I hate it. Afterward it feels like it was so long ago and I focus on odd bits of conversation or body language and the whole ordeal is confusing and weird. I have started sewing. I find it extremely relaxing and addictive. I enjoy it more than I have ever enjoyed any activity I have done. I like using my hands and creating things. It makes me feel special, like I mean something. It's like for once I am contributing something to the world. I have put a lot of time into designing and setting up this new hobby. It is going fantastically. I have already made a skirt. I have a fashion journal that has all the information I need in it, artfully done. It takes a lot of time but I am hoping it will be really awesome by the end. I spent all of my break placing all of these hobbies into my life so that I could comeback and feel renewed and refreshed today, but I feel anything but. I am extremely bored and have no idea what to do anymore. I have spent the new first block blogging and other odds and ends just to fill the time because I don't have Edesign anymore. I have been reading as of late and would much rather be doing that, but it's not the right time. I just want to know what I can do so that I don't feel so lost in life. I just have to figure out what it is that I can do so that I can leave it all behind and start anew.