On the Edge of Seventeen

I always imagined that when I turned seventeen, it would be boring. After all it's in between two big years… I have come to find out though it could't be more mind wracking. All I can think of is that in a year I will be and adult. that in a year and a half I will be leaving all this behind. It has gotten to the point that I am counting the days. I don't want to be here anymore. My mom has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be around me anymore and rarely comes home. I can't sleep unless I am drowning it all out with Bob Dylan. I keep crying. Since my birthday, I have cried every day. I am not someone who cries a lot, but it seems like that is all I do anymore. I hate it. Being seventeen is a nightmare that I fear I will never wake up from. I legitimately fear that I won't make it to eighteen. I have never been much of a fan of self-multilation, but all I ever think about when me mom gets home from work or the gym is grabbing a kitchen knife and slicing downward on my wrists. I hate being depressing or rather depressed. The word sound so evil, yet just so thrown about. I wonder if anyone notices it about me. I feel like it lingers around me in a heavy fog that just refuses to lift. I secretly pray someone will notice because telling people will just make it look like I am just looking for attention. It's like a huge wait strapped around my sternum and two more on my shoulders. I can't lift and I can't get away. I just want to be away from all this. I fear that I won't but know that I am too cowardly to not. I will make it because I know I would feel too bad for the people in my life. I that I can't just give up because if I do then I will have a crappy life, with I already do. So I feel as though I have to get a good plan together so I have something to look forward to. Otherwise their is nothing I can do. All I can think to do is try to get myself excited for something in the future. I need help, but no one seems to care. I am doing a crappy job myself which makes me feel worse. I am losing grip and have no idea what more I can do. I have to figure out what to do before go falling into the abyss of the Great Beyond.