Moldy Cups and Skipped Stiches

As I look at my life, I see that throughout my teen years it has been a recycling of the exact same words and actions over and over again. That being said, I have changed, but not in the ways I'd have liked to. I have only learned further that disappointment in people isn't enough. Those people won't make it up to you. They are still terrible and mean. They don't actually care. That is my revelation of the day. Narcissism, the deadly sin, as the say. Is not actually avoidable. We don't choose to have it. It is in all of us. It's in our id. We are born with it. It is in our blood. We grow up with it without realizing it, and it;s not until someone points it out, do we realize that we have it. It's when they insist that our, "putting ourself first" is worse then their "putting ourself first". However, I think that we all "love" ourself the same. It just depends on how open you are about that relationship. Not, excluding those who hate life or are insecure, they love themselves too, otherwise they would not care how they felt. That is important, because caring signifies love. You don't care how someone feels if you don't care for that person, right? So, caring about your feelings is the first part of the love between you and yourself. Loving ourselves is important, according to many, it's the first step in loving someone else. I always thought that was a load of garbage. It's easier to tell someone they are pretty than to look into the mirror, past your flaws and say the same to yourself. You know all of your flaws. You know your secrets. They don't. So is it really all that hard to love yourself, or do you already love yourself more than you realize? I definitely think, you love yourself from the get go. As children you don't get jealous of how other girls or boys look. You may get jealous of toys, but that's just because you don't have that. It's all based around you eating. You getting ready for school. You are brought into the world knowing it's all about you and then expected to understand that they world isn't about you. That is garbage. The point of this all is that, I clearly hate life and myself right? So what keeps me from killing myself and ending it all? Well, I always thought it was my love for my family and the hurt they would feel if I did it. I don't want them to be in pain, and am willing to take it away, but it only seems to grow. Next, I think that it is my believing that it will all get better. I keep telling myself the worst is behind me. I have hit rick bottom, it will only get better, but it doesn't it just sinks me down lower slowly. I have of course turned to God and even gotten counseling, only to hear that it's not my fault, but what if it is? I mean why wouldn't it be. I should know by now what to do to keep my mom happy, why am I not doing that and questioning why she is so mean. It's just me being stupid. So if I am keeping myself around, I can only assume that it is because deep down I know hurting myself is a no no. I have it in my heart that cutting into this cake that is my body will only further blemish it and make me more unappealing. I also know that if I were to fail it would only make things worse. I want it to be clean and fast so that in my casket I don't look as ugly as I do when everything floats to the surface and I cry. I want those last moments to be one that make people cherish me. I love myself to much to hurt myself or cut. I want the best for me because I have to love myself till the moment I die whether it be tomorrow or at the age of 87. I have to love myself. I understand myself. I may not know what I want out of life, but I do know what I don't. Maybe the others don't love me because they are busy putting themselves first, but it just means that I need to do the same. I love making people happy and loving others, but sometimes it's better to just take sometime and pep talk myself. It's better to trust in yourself rather than others anyhow.